Practical Classics Contributors Calum Brown and Martin Domoney hit the road in an Austin Allegro to raise money for Help For Heroes. It didn't all go smoothly, as Calum reports...
It felt like something was on fire behind me. Standing with solitary thoughts on the cusp of a rolling glen, the grasses tumbling down to expose crashing waves over baron rocks amid trees and heather, with a crisp wind swirling around the beads of sweat meandering down my forehead, I couldn’t help but lap up the solace on offer within the Scottish Highlands.
Then I had to turn around and re-enter the real world, where the Allegro was hissing away like a demented kettle, coughing and spitting in a manner befitting a chain smoker after a dash for the bus. This didn’t come as a surprise. The Allegro had just covered more than 1000 miles after battling the technicians at the MoT station only four days previously, and picked the perfect spot for the inevitable huff. Miles away from anywhere, on the most northerly tip of Scotland. In so many ways it felt like the end of the world.
Land’s End to John O’Groats will forever remain one of Britain’s greatest motoring challenges - alongside crawling through London incident-free in less than a day.
It’s something us petrolheads all yearn to do, but very few get the chance at. So, when setting up a charity event for Help for Heroes it made perfect sense. Obviously, the Allegro was the best car for the job.The first task was to push its reluctant rear through an MoT, which after some crying and repair work cost me the best part of my bank account - not that money can rob you of the victorious joy that advisory-free sheet of paper can bring.
Luckily, my good friend and fellow PC contributor, Martin Domoney deemed the adventure too good to ignore and decided to join me on the start line at Land’s End. Not only is he a glutton for punishment, but a seasoned mechanic – and I think deep down he knew his very particular set of skills would come in handy.The journey started off on a soothing note on the Corwall’s cliff-top B-roads, but after the obligatory pasty the challenge really started on the A30’s never-ending traffic jams. It look us what felt like an eternity to clear the road works and leave first gear, but in reality only 60 minutes had passed.
But while Cornwall – with its scenery lifted straight out of Susan Cooper novel – the M5 offered all the charm of a steamy weekend with Anne Widdecombe. It imprisoned for nearly four clutch-testing hours in a slog towards Birmingham, with a rainstorm of biblical proportions to mark our arrival in the Midlands. I’m too young to remember what sort of rain Britain had in the 1970s, but the Allegro’s wipers failed to cope.
It was only after eight hours we felt like we were making progress - until we checked the map and found we had covered a paltry 280 miles. We pulled into the nearest service station to stuff our face with Burger King to cheer ourselves up.
The further north we travelled, the quieter the roads became. Eventually, we crossed over into Scotland on a crest of engine noise - signalling that the A-series unit was gasping for oil. So, another Burger King later, the engine was topped up with the finest Halfords had to offer. We couldn’t help but notice the huge pool of murky brown water that had accumulated since gliding to a halt too - but what could we expect? The Allegro had sat stationary for over six months and then driven from Peterborough to Land’s End and upwards to the Celtic motherland in a non-stop cacophony of traffic, while carting us and our supplies hundreds of miles.
So, after pouring some clean coolant into the expansion tank, Team Allegro set off for the overnight stop near Lanark. It took a further two hours to arrive at the Brown family residence, by which point the charms of 16 hours at 4000rpm were wearing thin, but the plucky Allegro pushed on to deliver us safely, despite a slight wobble on tickover. The following morning – after some much-needed slumber – it became clear the Allegro was far from well. The revs would bounce before the engine cut out altogether. Martin stepped in to investigate but the glitch disappeared as soon as the car warmed up, so we set off on the final leg to John O’Groats fuelled largely by optimism.
The miles flew past as the plucky little Austin tore through Edinburgh towards the Forth Road Bridge, with the only stop being for one last Burger King before we hit the Highlands.
This is where things definitely brightened up. The roads curving around the mountains offer the best on-road driving experiences in Britain, and we pretty much had them to ourselves. Or, at least, with the intense hill climbs to traverse, the road was clear ahead.
We did have to slink into the odd layby and let streams of aggravated BMW drivers power past with various hand signals waving at us from passenger windows - but we are convinced these were waves of encouragement. Maybe.
It was all going so well – and then the engine appeared to pack in completely only 20 miles from our finish point. Martin stepped in again and attempted to work his magic – but it was only when a white van pulled alongside us that we got our lucky break.
Its driver was Alistair Sutherland from Highland Performance Rolling Road Tuning – and it just happens that A-series engines would be his specialist subject on Mastermind. He helped us limp the Allegro back to his nearby courtyard, and then assisted Martin in nursing the 1.3-litre engine back to health. I played an important part too – who knows what would’ve happened if there hadn’t been someone to hold the nuts and bolts?
After the seemingly miraculous repair the Allegro’s engine was now running smoother than ever, and was ready for the final push. We made it John O’Groats’ harbor 90 minutes behind schedule – but the point was that we made it at all, in an Allegro that less than a week earlier had croaked through an MoT after six months of inactivity. I’m utterly relieved and quite frankly gobsmacked the Allegro covered such a huge distance with only one hiccup.Oh, and we raised an impressive £632 for Help For Heroes while we were at it. All we needed to do now was take the Allegro home – it’s only 600 miles back to Peterborough...
You can donate to Help For Heroes through the Austin Allegro page here.
